This has been a tough week. We met with a Labor and Delivery Bereavement Nurse this past Monday. We knew that this was going to be a tough appointment because of the content. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss our “wishes” for John as well as learn what the hospital will be able to do for us to help us have as much time with John as possible.
The appointment was surreal. We had to address things that we never thought we would have to think about. We never thought we would have to plan for the impending death of our child. When people would talk about someone they knew losing a child or a baby, I just never understood how the parents could endure such a thing and still go on with life. I knew that they would have to, but I just couldn’t fathom “how”. Well, now, we are going to be those people. And, I know how we are going to make it through…our faith in The Lord.
I am so thankful for my Lord. I know that he will carry us through, just as He has been this whole time. We have prayed that He will put people in our life at the appropriate time during our journey, and He has been faithful. It seems that The Lord is keeping us on a “schedule” and not letting us get too far ahead of ourselves with details, appointments, or meeting people. He just provides for us at the right time.
While we are comforted by The Lord everyday and we know His promises, it doesn’t necessarily make things easier all the time. We struggle…everyday. Some days are better than others, but some days- like this week in particular- have been so difficult. We are learning that we need to have Grace with ourselves in the way we are handing day to day. We feel like we are failing everyday. We feel like we should be handling everything better and we get mad at ourselves because of that. Then, I remember what my mother told me…”we set the bar high”…we expect a lot out of ourselves and we need to give ourselves some leeway. We are also learning to have Grace with other people as well. A dear friend asked me if I feel like I have stepped off the merry-go-round and I’m standing still while the rest of the world is still going around…this is ABSOLUTELY how I feel.
John is an active little guy. He is kicking me all the time and making his presence known! We learned on Wednesday that he weighs in at 2 pounds 6 ounces…and it feels like it! We also learned some other details about his heart condition as well as his kidney function. I learned that my amniotic fluid is on the low-end of normal, the doctor didn’t seem concerned, but I am honestly a little worried. I will see the perinatologist again in 4 weeks and then I will see him every week after that until we deliver. They are going to closely monitor John and let us know if he is struggling or if his environment looks like it is deteriorating. If either of those things happen, we will deliver him as soon as possible so that we can meet him and try to avoid “intrauterine demise”. It is possible that could still happen with no warning, but we will keep praying that John stays as healthy and happy as possible in my belly until his delivery date.
We are so thankful for our family and friends who have been with us each step of the way. The calls, texts and notes have been so encouraging and make us feel so loved.